Barbara Carrellas

By Barbara Carrellas

energyscale Have you ever had the experience of meeting someone and feeling instantly drawn to them? Every moment you spend in their presence is captivating and exciting—it’s almost like being in love. When you part company you feel positively high and the effect may last for days. Conversely, have you ever met someone and felt the urge to back up or get away? Each minute spent with them feels like an hour. When you finally do get away you feel exhausted, drained or frazzled. It’s obvious which of these people you’d pick if you wanted to start an ecstatic relationship, right?

How about your work? Which projects make you feel giddy with accomplishment and delight? Which fill you with dread? How about your social life? Which activities and events feel fresh, new and energizing? Which have become more of a habit than a pleasure?

The secret to living a more ecstatic life is no secret at all: Do as much of what you love as you possibly can. Do as little as you must of anything you don’t like. Seek maximum exposure to people, places, and things that energize you, and minimal exposure to people, places, and things that drain your energy.

Obvious as this is, it’s not always easy to put into practice. Ask yourself:

What is stopping me from breaking a habit or ending a relationship that feels like more of an energy drain than an energy gain?
Am I worried about hurting someone’s feelings? Or losing my job? Am I afraid to take a leap into the unknown? What do I believe will happen if I do?
In which area of my life could I most easily take a step that would create an energy gain? (For example, could I keep a promise to myself to attend a yoga, Pilates, or dance class at least once a week?)
In what area of my life could I stop or slow an energy drain? (Could I limit phone calls with my well-meaning but critical mother to once a week for thirty minutes?)

Learn to pay attention to your intuitive energy meter. Imagine that you have two dials in your body that control the way you take in information and make decisions—one in your brain and another in your belly. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and turn down the dial in your brain. Take another big breath and turn up the dial in your belly. Ask yourself: Do I feel an energy gain or an energy drain in this situation, or around this person? This simple exercise will help you move out of judgements and into your intuition.

Some of the most powerful energy gains or drains we experience are caused by the thoughts we think. Ask yourself, “On a scale of one (drain) to ten (gain), is the thought I am thinking right now an energy gain or an energy drain?” In the next week, stop several times to observe the quality of your thoughts. Practice elevating the energy level of your thoughts. Think thoughts that feed you.

Handle nagging physical problems. Do you have a persistent physical issue that you have been meaning to deal with but just haven’t gotten around to yet? The physical problem you’re avoiding is draining energy that you could be using for ecstatic expression. Whether it’s poor eyesight, back pain, sexual pain, or any other chronic condition, practice self-love and self-care by getting help.

Avoid social obligations—pursue social opportunities. The rare social obligation—even if it’s deadly dull—will not prevent you from living an ecstatic life. But if you allow yourself to be lured into too many of these so-called obligatory functions, you’ll find yourself being drained of the time and energy you would otherwise have to devote to more meaningful interactions. Look for social opportunities. They can be found anywhere and anytime you have a high probability of meeting delightful people who share one or more of your passions. It could be an erotic massage workshop, an evening of trance dancing, a gourmet dessert-baking evening, or a birthday celebration at a spa. Try and arrange at least two social opportunities for every social obligation. If you need inspiration and assistance finding opportunities, search the Internet for meet-up groups in your area.

Expand your sexuality. It can be your greatest source of energy and ecstatic experience. Whether or not you have a partner, commit to being more sensual and sexual. Try something new—a new position, or toy, or activity. Re-examine your sexual boundaries with the intention of seeing if you’d like to relax some of them. Think of sex as adult play, and set up a play date.

When you focus on maximizing energy gains and diminishing energy drains, you’ll soon find more joy and ecstasy in every area of your life.

Do you have an unnameable yearning? A longing that lurks in the back of your brain or deep in your belly that just can’t be expressed in words? Do you have a deep undefined desire for “Something More”?

When I first began teaching my sex and spirituality workshops, I’d ask people, “What are your orgasms like now and what would make them better?” The vast majority of people answered the second part of that question with some variation of: “I know there’s Something More out there. I want to be able to let go and find it.” I named this universal longing the Something More Factor.

The Something More Factor is what drives us all in erotic—and spiritual—exploration. The crucial first step to finding your Something More is permission—permission to look beyond what you have now for something new and exciting, yet authentically you. This permission can come from you or from some higher authority. But even if your family, society, spiritual community and school all encourage you to find Something More, you still must be able and willing to give yourself permission to go find it.

The next step is believing that your Something More is real and possible. In 1989, author Louise Hay delivered a talk called the Totality of Possibilities. In it, she gave us permission—and encouraged us to give ourselves permission—to release old beliefs and fears. In doing so, she, said, we would see that the limited set of possibilities we thought was available to us was a fantasy. In reality, we have an infinite number of possibilities to choose from—the Totality of Possibilities.

Liberating as the Totality of Possibilities can be, the notion of unlimited possibilities can also be frightening, especially when it comes to sex and relationships. The Totality of Possibilities inevitably includes a number of sexual activities, types of people and styles of relationships that you may have absolutely no interest in. How do you sort through the Totality of Possibilities of sex and relationships to find the ones that are right for you? How do you avoid the options you would hate? And, is it worth disrupting the flow of your life to look for these possibilities?

Many of us settle for “good enough” in one or more areas of our lives. We find a stable job, a nice place to live and a committed relationship, and then stop. We tell ourselves, “My life is not so bad. I have a roof over my head and someone to curl up with at night. Why should I risk losing any of that? There’s no guarantee I’ll find something better.” It’s this fear of the unknown—specifically the unwanted unknown—that can keep us stuck in the same old rut, doing the same old thing and getting increasingly bored and dissatisfied.

What if your pursuit of your Something More could make every aspect of your life more fulfilling? What if it could make you not only a happier person, but also a better person? And what if the only thing standing between you and an ecstatic life is fear and limited thinking?

Perhaps you know what your Something More actually is. Perhaps you long for more fulfilling sex, a new relationship, or a more rewarding career. Even if your Something More still seems vague, simply staying present with the longing to have more ecstasy in your life can work wonders.

Here’s a 4-step plan for discovering and manifesting your Something More:

Cultivate a consciousness of abundance. Imagine that there is a ceiling above you. Below the ceiling is everything that you believe is possible for you. Above the ceiling is the Totality of Possibilities. Practice lifting or shattering this ceiling. Each time you lift or shatter the ceiling, embrace the new Totality of Possibilities that is revealed. Find the next ceiling. Repeat.
Breathe. Practice taking full, deep breaths. With each breath imagine breathing in new possibilities and breathing out fear. Use your breath to feel bigger, stronger, and more eager to experience ecstasy.
Write yourself a permission slip. Give yourself written permission to have the kind of sex you want, or the great relationship, or the new job. Be very detailed. Give yourself permission to have every juicy bit of your desire. If you find it challenging to give your self this much permission, imagine being given that permission by someone you love and respect, or by your wise higher self.
Cultivate the qualities of an ecstatic explorer. People who are able to find their Something More on a regular basis are compassionate, courageous, creative, curious, desiring, enthusiastic, flexible, honest, loving, mindful, passionate, persistent, playful, respectful, funny, and sensuous. Embrace these qualities in yourself and look for them in others. You’ll be well on your way to finding your Something More and living a more ecstatic life.