Committed relationship

By Dr. Wendy Walsh

393096_7738 You might think that life expectancy is in your genetic code, but research says you have far more control than you think. In his best selling book, Blue Zones, National Geographic researcher, Dan Buettner, looks at five areas on the planet where an astounding number of people live to be over the age of 100, and then he looks for lifestyle commonalities. While you might think the read is a diet and exercise book, it includes good news about the life extending benefits of healthy relationships. Nearly all the centenarians in Buettner’s work have solid life-long partners and active sex lives.

A study by researchers from Michigan State University and the University of Cincinnati supported the idea that married and cohabiting individuals live longer. The odds of a married individual living longer than a never married individual are 60 percent. The odds of mortality for married people are 40 percent higher than widows, and 30 percent higher than divorced or separated persons. In addition, married individuals have a lower mortality rate than cohabiting individuals.

And, married people experience fewer health problems and are less likely to take part in risky health behaviors like smoking, excessive drinking and unhealthy eating. The National Health Interview Survey showed that in the young age range of 19-44 the leading causes of early death among those who never married were infectious diseases (researchers presume HIV) and external causes. Cardiovascular and other chronic diseases plague middle aged and older unmarried men and women. In contrast, married individuals have greater heart health, and attain shared employer benefits, which means great health, eye and dental care. Marriage is also one of the greatest protectors against poverty, one of the least healthy situations a person in the United States could be in.

Many married couples will complain about how their partners are “slowly killing them” or “giving them more grey hairs”, in some marriages this may be true, but, contrary to popular belief, most spouses are not soul suckers; they are more of a life giving force. Those who marry are more likely to be socially active, rather than withdrawn or introverted. Social interaction is necessary for human beings to build relationships, relieve stress and live happier, healthier lives. The ultimate committed relationship, marriage, just lends an extra helping hand to extend that lifeline into a blissful future.

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Do you have an unnameable yearning? A longing that lurks in the back of your brain or deep in your belly that just can’t be expressed in words? Do you have a deep undefined desire for “Something More”?

When I first began teaching my sex and spirituality workshops, I’d ask people, “What are your orgasms like now and what would make them better?” The vast majority of people answered the second part of that question with some variation of: “I know there’s Something More out there. I want to be able to let go and find it.” I named this universal longing the Something More Factor.

The Something More Factor is what drives us all in erotic—and spiritual—exploration. The crucial first step to finding your Something More is permission—permission to look beyond what you have now for something new and exciting, yet authentically you. This permission can come from you or from some higher authority. But even if your family, society, spiritual community and school all encourage you to find Something More, you still must be able and willing to give yourself permission to go find it.

The next step is believing that your Something More is real and possible. In 1989, author Louise Hay delivered a talk called the Totality of Possibilities. In it, she gave us permission—and encouraged us to give ourselves permission—to release old beliefs and fears. In doing so, she, said, we would see that the limited set of possibilities we thought was available to us was a fantasy. In reality, we have an infinite number of possibilities to choose from—the Totality of Possibilities.

Liberating as the Totality of Possibilities can be, the notion of unlimited possibilities can also be frightening, especially when it comes to sex and relationships. The Totality of Possibilities inevitably includes a number of sexual activities, types of people and styles of relationships that you may have absolutely no interest in. How do you sort through the Totality of Possibilities of sex and relationships to find the ones that are right for you? How do you avoid the options you would hate? And, is it worth disrupting the flow of your life to look for these possibilities?

Many of us settle for “good enough” in one or more areas of our lives. We find a stable job, a nice place to live and a committed relationship, and then stop. We tell ourselves, “My life is not so bad. I have a roof over my head and someone to curl up with at night. Why should I risk losing any of that? There’s no guarantee I’ll find something better.” It’s this fear of the unknown—specifically the unwanted unknown—that can keep us stuck in the same old rut, doing the same old thing and getting increasingly bored and dissatisfied.

What if your pursuit of your Something More could make every aspect of your life more fulfilling? What if it could make you not only a happier person, but also a better person? And what if the only thing standing between you and an ecstatic life is fear and limited thinking?

Perhaps you know what your Something More actually is. Perhaps you long for more fulfilling sex, a new relationship, or a more rewarding career. Even if your Something More still seems vague, simply staying present with the longing to have more ecstasy in your life can work wonders.

Here’s a 4-step plan for discovering and manifesting your Something More:

Cultivate a consciousness of abundance. Imagine that there is a ceiling above you. Below the ceiling is everything that you believe is possible for you. Above the ceiling is the Totality of Possibilities. Practice lifting or shattering this ceiling. Each time you lift or shatter the ceiling, embrace the new Totality of Possibilities that is revealed. Find the next ceiling. Repeat.
Breathe. Practice taking full, deep breaths. With each breath imagine breathing in new possibilities and breathing out fear. Use your breath to feel bigger, stronger, and more eager to experience ecstasy.
Write yourself a permission slip. Give yourself written permission to have the kind of sex you want, or the great relationship, or the new job. Be very detailed. Give yourself permission to have every juicy bit of your desire. If you find it challenging to give your self this much permission, imagine being given that permission by someone you love and respect, or by your wise higher self.
Cultivate the qualities of an ecstatic explorer. People who are able to find their Something More on a regular basis are compassionate, courageous, creative, curious, desiring, enthusiastic, flexible, honest, loving, mindful, passionate, persistent, playful, respectful, funny, and sensuous. Embrace these qualities in yourself and look for them in others. You’ll be well on your way to finding your Something More and living a more ecstatic life.