Getting Rid of Judgments

judgement....
The next time you find yourself criticizing someone, ask yourself: Do I really know what is triggering or motivating her choices? You can even say, I’m sorry she made that choice. Something is going on with her. This is a powerful way to model true beauty to the women around you.

When we criticize an individual, we are also identifying with him or her in some aspect. A client once told me, “When I look at my ex, who was horrible to me, I realize that I have the capability of being just as angry and mean to others. If I’m going to be free, I have to bless him and wish him well, and not permit any negativity to remain in my heart.”

By refusing to cast judgment, we help ourselves live in true beauty. We’re breaking the cycle of fear and anger. It’s also vital to remember that we influence everyone around us, especially our children, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and so on. Young girls need positive role models! We women must teach the next generation how to lead truly beautiful, authentic lives.
Excerpt: The Beauty Blueprint by Michelle Phillips

When You’re Supported, You Grow!

Support

When I was in the downward spiral of my depression, a friend suggested that I try attending his church. I told him that while I appreciated the suggestion, I wasn’t a very religious person. I considered myself more “spiritual.” He assured me that his church was different and that the person giving the sermons was less of a preacher and more of an inspirational speaker.

Since I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, when the following Sunday rolled around, I picked up my mom and we went to my friend’s church. I listened to the speaker and hung on her every word, tears flowing down my face the entire time. Although there were some 500 people there, I felt as if she was speaking directly to me. Most of all, I felt like I was home. I started attending regularly, and the sermons would lift me up and carry me through the week. Since I was becoming a familiar face there, I also stepped into a beautiful circle of new friends. The church became a constant source of unconditional love and support.

You don’t have to go to a church to experience this, though. Go online or visit your local community center and look for clubs or organizations that are of interest to you. You might even be able to find a women’s club in your neighborhood. You can also sign up for my monthly newsletter on my website (www.MichellePhillips.com) for ongoing support, love, and encouragement.

Michelle

Healthy Boundaries Create Healthy Relationships

By Crystal Andrus.

Crystal-Simply-woman-cropped-300x336After writing an article on “rejection”, I received a few private messages from women asking if I would write more about “boundaries.”

In that blog, I explained that boundary setting is hands-down the most important lesson we women need to learn:

“Healthy boundaries are like having a front door with a lock on it.
You have the right to keep out unpleasant visitors.”

Boundary setting was certainly my most important lesson to learn in order to become empowered, because without healthy boundaries I created unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships . . . and I didn’t even realize I was doing it!

As someone who has tended to over-give, over-do, over-protect, even over-try, I have to remind myself when I begin taking on more than I feel comfortable with — whether it be helping a friend, counseling a family member through a rough time, or offering to “pick up the slack” for someone who has “bitten off more than they can chew” – to back up, slow down, and really ask myself:

“Do I want to be doing this?”

“Is this improving my life or exhausting me?”

“Has this started to become a co-dependent relationship with me as the ‘mother / caretaker’ and them as my ‘child / responsibility’?”

By being aware of how I feel (i.e. drained, frustrated, even resentful), I’ve learned how to catch myself from stepping into chaos, drama, and dysfunction much sooner than I used to.

As a coach (and this goes for most therapists, healers, nurses, counselors, etc.), we have a natural tendency to want to “fix things”, but without learning healthy boundary setting, we can too easily take on the weight of the world and inevitably, hurt the very person we wanted to help because we are giving more than we can afford to lose and eventually, we burnout, become angry, or breakdown. We’re no good to anyone.

Not to mention, I can almost see my weight rising when I’m forgetting to set a boundary. Doesn’t matter how many jogs I take, broccoli I eat, or protein shakes I drink, the weight predictably comes on. I literally carry the weight of my unhealthy boundaries on my body.

Many of us didn’t witness healthy boundaries growing up, whether it was our mother who allowed others to disrespect, use, or abuse her, including us — her child (his is called “porous boundaries”); or our father who was so strict he was like a brick wall (“rigid boundaries”). Either way, we didn’t learn what “healthy” looks like.

On the other hand, we could have had wonderful parents and yet someone else in our life—a teacher, grandparent, uncle, family friend, cousin, brother, whoever—stepped across our personal boundary field and physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually abused us.

When abuse happens, we lose the ability to realize we have the power to say “no”. This feeling of being unable to protect ourselves can follow us throughout our lives and before we know it, we find ourselves in situations, both big and small, that confront us with our lack of confidence, personal power, and low self-worth.

In fact, I was just speaking to a beautiful, smart, talented woman who told me she was experiencing so much anxiety because her boss had been getting too close physically and would say inappropriate sexual things to her. She wasn’t doing anything flirtatious to provoke him, and couldn’t understand why he was acting this way.

I asked her why she didn’t tell him to back off and her response was that she “didn’t want to hurt his feelings or make things worse by putting her foot down”.

In other words, she was a “people pleaser”.

She hated how she felt around him but didn’t know how to establish a healthy boundary.

As we looked back at her life, she saw a strong pattern of many men being inappropriate with her and her feeling powerless (even as a teenage girl with boys). It was almost as though she believed, “It’s a man’s world and that’s just the way it is. I have no choice.”

Rather than staying focused on the problem, I asked her what she wanted to feel instead.

What are your intentions? I asked her. “What do you want? What would courage have you do?”

* * *

The first step in setting healthy boundaries is for us to be able to identify our own needs, wants, opinions, and rights:

– “Does this feel good to me or does this feel like I’m being manipulated for someone’s gain?”

Once we know how we feel about a situation, we must respect ourselves, and our needs. We teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves—by what we’re willing to accept.

We must all learn to clearly identify what it is we want in our relationships (how we want to feel about ourselves), and then become skilled at assertively expressing ourselves: “When you  _______ (fill in the unhealthy behavior), it makes me feel _________. If you can’t be more respectful to me, I will have to _________ (list the consequences and stick to them).”

This process allows our “Woman Energy” to emerge.  

Here are some more tips for setting healthy boundaries, modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine:

– When you feel angry or resentful, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself then communicate your boundary assertively.

– When you identify the need to set a boundary, be clear, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. And most importantly, be confident about your needs and feelings surrounding this situation.

– Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.

– You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting.

– At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary but you can’t establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing afterward.

– When you set boundaries, you might be tested (especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you). Stay strong.

– Eliminate toxic people from your life. It may feel mean or unkind but your health depends on the quality of the relationships you have. Bad attention is not better than no attention at all. Don’t play with bullies — even if they’re family members. Showing them that you won’t allow them in your life if they want to create problems for you, will help them too become better people.

Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. After awhile, it will be second nature. In fact, people will “feel” your confident assertiveness, and soon you will rarely be “tested”. It’s just an energy you give off: Woman Energy! BAM!

I’d love to know how you feel about today’s blog. Please leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you!

Warmly,

Crystal

Say no and set boundaries {with love}

By Renee Heigel

So you have a hard time saying “no” huh?

You did a few things this week because you felt guilty and now you’re angry with yourself.

You complain that you get taken advantage of and people walk all over you…?

You find yourself, saying, “How can I not take that comment personally?”

Boundaries.

There was a pivotal moment for me where I began to see the emotional connection to my desires, specifically for food.

I was renting an office space on the top floor of this massive office complex for the marketing biz I was running at the time. There was a little restaurant, downstairs on the first floor. I often bought my lunch there and ate way too many spinach pies.

One morning when arriving to the office, I parked and just sat in my car. I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I was feeling sad, unmotivated, and stressed. I didn’t feel like I had any time for me and that people around me always wanted more, more, more. All of the thoughts in my head were shifted to what was going wrong in my life.

When I gained some composure, I went inside and started the day with some interviews to add some people to the team I had. When I finished and came out of one of the offices, I learned that someone had come in and stolen my laptop.

I felt like I got kicked while I was down.

I immediately went downstairs and bought candy, chips, cookies, and anything else I could find.

I slowly walked back up the flights of stairs with my items and sat down at my desk and began to eat, and it was in that moment that I learned what I was really doing with this “food.” I noticed a pattern. As I dove deeper into my salt and vinegar chips, I began to feel disgusted.

I made a spontaneous choice and threw away everything.

When I think back to that time in my life, especially as a woman, I felt driven, burned out, controlling, and uber-ambitious and determined. I didn’t say no, even when I wanted to. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I was also frustrated because I wasn’t getting the results I wanted despite my hard work.

Everything is energy, and when we are not prioritizing our energy, then that energy needs to go somewhere.

We end up internalizing it, and then it comes out in various ways: food, sugar, alcohol, relationships, shopping, work, drugs, and caffeine – you get the picture.

You relate to this, right?

You might already know that the extra weight you carry is symbolic of the safety you desire.

The amount you might immerse yourself in the tub of ice cream, relationships that are unhealthy or dependent, or your workaholic ways are often a reflection of seeking safety in something outside of you.

Your body reflects your ego.

Are you ready to let go of this?

Yes?

Toxic.

I was sitting in court this week fighting a traffic ticket (yes, I walked away with no points) and I overheard this woman next to me sharing with someone that she spent $2,500 on this curio cabinet to hold the 100+ ‘Precious Moment’ knick-knacks given to her that she absolutely loathes.

She said, “I hate those damn things, I spent thousands on something just to store crap in my home that I don’t even like. I felt like I had to…”

Sound familiar?

Self-sacrifice leads to resentment, guilt, anger, obligation, and more emotions. These are the biggest internal factors that destroy our health.

These are called internal toxins.

So many of us are in this cycle of over-achieving, controlling, and doing, and then building up a toxic overload because of it, and then going home to numb it all out with a glass of red wine and bowl of popcorn.

That’s not going to work for you and it didn’t work for me.

When in this self-sacrificing place, not only will you attract unhealthy relationships with needy, dependent people, but you will also continue the cycle and halt your capacity to learn from your experiences.

There is hope, please don’t fear.

It’s time to build up some more boundaries, internally.

You must figure out how much the situation is about you versus the other person, and then specifically learn to stand up for yourself.

I hear this often from my clients and readers…

–  I don’t want to make any waves.

–  I don’t like confrontation.

–  It isn’t my personality to say how I feel.

You were likely not taught how to create boundaries as a child if this sounds like you. You are likely used to feeling guilt and dishing it out on occasion, and you must face the guilt directly.

How, you ask?

You must make yourself a priority.

“Good self-care is the single, most important aspect of our health, period.” ~ Dr. Christiane Northrop

Self-care includes not using food, work, substances, shopping, etc. to numb you. Please learn where you are channeling this extra masculine-feminine energy and channel it into self-love instead.

Self-care includes exploring practices of spirituality or awareness that allow you to feel safe without external stuff.

Self-care means learning the power of saying “no” and telling people your priorities are different right now.  Saying “no” to someone else is really saying “yes” to yourself.  This takes practice. Start now.

Self-care means seeking support from people who will help you put yourself on your priority list versus people who are enabling you because they have the same “boundary” stuff going on.

Take action.

Most of our energy is often spent hiding our true self.

Know that it may be time for you to establish stronger boundaries in your life that support you and allow you to evolve as a human being.

You must determine how much is about you and how much of it is about the other person.

Ask for help.

Learn to stand up for yourself. Practice, practice. A mirror works great at first.

Self care and creating boundaries is your responsibility.

It doesn’t matter what you learned as a child. Your adult self will flourish with boundaries and self-care.

These internal toxins are destroying your health, and I have a strong belief that you can heal them by letting them go.

Delight in yourself today by saying no to someone else.

I want to remind you of something:

–  Yes, you’ll feel guilty at first.

–  Yes, it will feel uncomfortable.

But here is the truth…

You will not be able to give the gifts that you are meant to give in this lifetime while you are feeling guilty, without any internal boundaries.

When you numb the guilt you are also numbing the joy.

I am here with you holding your hand along the way.

It’s time to step into your naked truth.

This is pivotal path in that journey.

Deep gratitude and love,

Renee
xo

Mind, Beauty, Spirit with Celebrity Makeup Artist Michelle Phillips

We are among the first generations of women who have the ability to be or do anything we want. The women before us fought long and hard so that we could lead countries or corporations, or stay home as mothers and lead our families and communities. We are stronger and smarter . . . yet we are lost! We’re stuck between what we could be and what we think we should be, searching to balance that with our femininity. We’re grasping to attain our ideal of beauty with the belief that if we could just find the right hairstyle or finally fit into the latest fashions, everything else in our lives would fall into place.

I believe there’s something more to achieving the balance between inner strength and outer beauty. You just have to know where to look. . . .

If you’ve lost touch with the woman you wanted to become physically, emotionally, or spiritually, it can affect every aspect of the way you look. Let’s not waste time on a makeover, though—let’s go for a transformation. Are you ready to create your ultimate life?

It’s time to make the connection between your outer appearance and your deep inner self. By doing so, and expressing it in all of your everyday actions and choices, you’ll radiate a beauty that can’t be outmatched. I believe that by rediscovering and defining who you are on the inside and what you most want out of life, you will reveal to the world what makes you uniquely beautiful. This is the basis of the Beauty Blueprint. Every woman has one, but not every woman recognizes what hers contains.
***
I spent the first part of my career behind the scenes of TV and movie sets as a celebrity makeup artist and learned quite a few lessons about true “beauty” in the process. As my career progressed and I moved in front of the camera, speaking to women’s groups, I learned even more. What made the deepest impression on me was the realization that the nature of what makes us beautiful goes well beyond our exteriors. It’s passion and compassion . . . it’s our love, laughter, tears, and sorrow, and how we combine it with a nurturing strength of spirit. Our beauty shines when we allow ourselves to revel in these qualities and share them with the world. It’s in these moments that we are all radiant and exquisite. But how do we women reclaim this authentic beauty?

I started to discover the answer to that question while on my own journey. Through my experiences, a shift of awareness occurred. That’s when my mission in life became crystal clear: I had to share what I’d learned by helping other women rediscover and express their true beauty. And so, as part of my dream to inspire others, this book was born, a “Beauty Blueprint” that would allow me to help women experience their own profound shift.

By creating and living your unique Blueprint, you’ll find that once again, or perhaps for the first time, you will walk out the door every day with your head held high. You will be more confident about who you are, what you stand for, and where you are heading. In turn, people around you will take notice and deeply appreciate you for all your beautiful qualities.

Change is always possible—in fact, it’s inevitable. My first question for you, then, before we get started, is this: Are you going to fight change or embrace it? Because you can become whomever you want to be. Believe it! You can become the woman who doesn’t just turn heads—you’ll become a woman who touches hearts as well!

To achieve this, I’ve included the three things needed for change and growth: a plan, support from others, and inspiration. Join my network and I’ll help you put together your own Blueprint, which is your plan. I’ll also show you how to establish your own support system, and I’ll provide a healthy dose of motivation and encouragement in the process.
Along the way, I’ll share the inspirational stories of friends and clients who have identified and attained the goals they deeply desired, in spite of the obstacles that cluttered their paths.

Now, if you’re ready to transform beyond anything you could have dreamed of, let’s get started. It’s time for you to become the woman your granddaughters will tell their granddaughters about. It’s time for you to become an extraordinary woman from the inside out!

Go to http://www.michellephillips.com and sign up for the Mind, Beauty, Spirit Network to receive free classes, videos, and articles to support you in creating the life and look of your dreams!

Inner Peace on Earth- for a truly beautiful Holiday

For many people this season it’s difficult “to be jolly”. Financial woes, loss, loneliness, and family stress can feel like weight of a heavy snow more than ever around this time of year. By the way, if you broke in to song with that first sentence, this may article may not apply to you but read on…

Something that you hear a lot around now is “Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men!” More than any other times of year, around the Holidays we tend think about what we can do to better the lives others. If you are struggling with ways to find your own peace though, spreading peace to others can seem out of reach. So how do we remedy that in time to have a great Holiday? I believe the cure lies in one of my favorite phrases, the change we want to see in the world starts with us. Once you have inner peace it becomes easy to be one person or one family making a difference in the lives of others by word and deed.

Now we’re on to something but, again, where do we start within ourselves is the next question.

I come to this with kind of different angle given my particular area of expertise as a Beauty and Life Coach. While millions are constantly searching for an outer “fix” the real connection to harmony and beauty is feeling bliss on the inside and radiating that out to the world. I believe that much of the inner turmoil and lack of peace that we experience comes from allowing ourselves to be caught up in superficial things like material possessions, and not living according to our authentic beliefs.

Even before thinking of the gifts you would like in your life, start finding your peace by thinking of those you already have. Your gifts can be your beautiful smile, radiant personality, intuitive feeling and deep connection to those around you, constant optimism, or just about anything else. By taking this mental and emotional inventory you remind yourself of the value that you already hold rather than thinking there must me something more. That is the point after all, that you are already more than enough! All too often we think of ourselves in terms of the “mizpah”, the beautiful necklace that we give each other as friends. It’s that heart that is broken and each of us takes half to symbolize the eternal bond with the other. The true gift is in letting yourself be complete and giving your whole heart to as many people has you can throughout your life.

We can also achieve peace by remembering that we are all gifts to the world. We are such wonderful gifts in fact, that we should be re-gifted often. And as those gifts we are not our wrapping paper, ribbons, and bows, we are a joy-filled bundle of beauty and divine purpose!

When something or someone is true to their purpose and simply enjoys being they are a source of beauty for the world. Before waiting for New Year’s resolution season, take some time to explore what it is that brings purpose and joy to you. Consider what you would be doing in your ideal job, relationships, and personal life, and how living that true to them would bring beauty to your soul. Now take that a step farther and actually write that down and create your special “gift list”. There is something about the process of putting pen to paper and seeing your dreams in front of you that helps bring them to reality.

Have a wonderful, and beautiful, Holiday and I look forward to being an inspirational part of your journey in the coming year!

Written by Bestselling Hay House author, TV & Radio Host, Celebrity Makeup Artist and Life Coach Michelle Phillips

The Beauty of Freedom

In addition to celebrating Independence Day, this year we are also exercising the freedom to choose our next President. No matter which side of the political fence you are on that freedom is certainly worth appreciating. After working for all of the major TV networks and world leaders during election years I am very excited to announce that I have been chosen to be the Head of Makeup and Image for the Republican National Convention in Tampa! They will have me leading a team of makeup artists and stylist to ensure that candidates and supporters we have to choose from will have a polished, professional image.

Which brings me to my next subject…

Are you making a strong first impression?

Whenever I am hired for my image services it’s rarely to make someone look like a glamour queen. In the case of the upcoming RNC I will be tasked with helping people achieve what we should all be going for; a look that is knowledgeable, credible, and trustworthy.

Studies have shown that we have exactly seven seconds to make a first impression. More importantly, we have seven seconds to make a GREAT, and lasting, first impression.

After reading that your mind might be drifting off to taking a mental inventory of your closet thinking, if I were headed out for a big interview or to potentially meet Mr. or Ms. Right I know exactly what I would wear. Then you may think, but if the person or job was meant for me should it even matter what I was wearing? The answer there would be yes…in a way.

Whether you are entering the job market, looking for a mate, or creating personal or professional relationships of any kind, making positive imprint relies as much on the emotions you are wearing as the clothes you pick out.

While many stylists put all their effort-and yours-into creating an outward image, what I would like to concentrate on for a minute is your inner image. By knowing who you are spiritually, emotionally and physically you will create the image you want to project on the outside. Doing this will make your look about so much more than just well-thought out fashions or the ideal haircut: it will be about radiating your uniquely beautiful qualities in a way that won’t just turn heads, you will turn hearts!

To get started it’s time for a quick and honest assessment. Think for a minute about how others see you. Do people find you sincere, interesting, open, or engaging? If not, it might not be your wardrobe but rather something in the way of a vibe you are putting off? So before you put on your clothes every day, figure out if you are already dressed with enthusiasm, excitement, and an overall positive outlook or are you stressed, overwhelmed, angry, fearful, or lost? By acknowledging any of the issues that you may be dealing with you can strip away any unintended negative messages you might be projecting.

Next, when it comes to your clothes, I tell my clients to think of dressing for a job interview, every day. However, don’t think of it as getting “dressed up,” you are dressing to move up! Too many of us have gotten a bit too “casual” and wonder why we are getting passed up for promotions or treated beneath the level of person that we are. In order to be treated with the respect we so richly deserve we have to remember to present ourselves that way physically and believe it our hearts.

There are many ways to express who you are in your wardrobe, the most important facet to remember is to dress in a way that is appropriate for your profession by choosing clothes that will have you are perceived as; knowledgeable, credible, and trustworthy.

“People who dress in a professional manner everyday are twice as likely to be promoted and earn up to 20% more income.” – Social Psychology Quarterly

The market for a job or a mate is truly only as hard as we want it to be. The next time you are headed out the door, take a second to think about the fiery passion for life that burns within you. Open the door to your heart and let the world gather around your warmth.

written by Bestselling author, Celebrity Makeup Artist, Radio & TV Personality Michelle Phillips