Undefined Desire

Do you have an unnameable yearning? A longing that lurks in the back of your brain or deep in your belly that just can’t be expressed in words? Do you have a deep undefined desire for “Something More”?

When I first began teaching my sex and spirituality workshops, I’d ask people, “What are your orgasms like now and what would make them better?” The vast majority of people answered the second part of that question with some variation of: “I know there’s Something More out there. I want to be able to let go and find it.” I named this universal longing the Something More Factor.

The Something More Factor is what drives us all in erotic—and spiritual—exploration. The crucial first step to finding your Something More is permission—permission to look beyond what you have now for something new and exciting, yet authentically you. This permission can come from you or from some higher authority. But even if your family, society, spiritual community and school all encourage you to find Something More, you still must be able and willing to give yourself permission to go find it.

The next step is believing that your Something More is real and possible. In 1989, author Louise Hay delivered a talk called the Totality of Possibilities. In it, she gave us permission—and encouraged us to give ourselves permission—to release old beliefs and fears. In doing so, she, said, we would see that the limited set of possibilities we thought was available to us was a fantasy. In reality, we have an infinite number of possibilities to choose from—the Totality of Possibilities.

Liberating as the Totality of Possibilities can be, the notion of unlimited possibilities can also be frightening, especially when it comes to sex and relationships. The Totality of Possibilities inevitably includes a number of sexual activities, types of people and styles of relationships that you may have absolutely no interest in. How do you sort through the Totality of Possibilities of sex and relationships to find the ones that are right for you? How do you avoid the options you would hate? And, is it worth disrupting the flow of your life to look for these possibilities?

Many of us settle for “good enough” in one or more areas of our lives. We find a stable job, a nice place to live and a committed relationship, and then stop. We tell ourselves, “My life is not so bad. I have a roof over my head and someone to curl up with at night. Why should I risk losing any of that? There’s no guarantee I’ll find something better.” It’s this fear of the unknown—specifically the unwanted unknown—that can keep us stuck in the same old rut, doing the same old thing and getting increasingly bored and dissatisfied.

What if your pursuit of your Something More could make every aspect of your life more fulfilling? What if it could make you not only a happier person, but also a better person? And what if the only thing standing between you and an ecstatic life is fear and limited thinking?

Perhaps you know what your Something More actually is. Perhaps you long for more fulfilling sex, a new relationship, or a more rewarding career. Even if your Something More still seems vague, simply staying present with the longing to have more ecstasy in your life can work wonders.

Here’s a 4-step plan for discovering and manifesting your Something More:

Cultivate a consciousness of abundance. Imagine that there is a ceiling above you. Below the ceiling is everything that you believe is possible for you. Above the ceiling is the Totality of Possibilities. Practice lifting or shattering this ceiling. Each time you lift or shatter the ceiling, embrace the new Totality of Possibilities that is revealed. Find the next ceiling. Repeat.
Breathe. Practice taking full, deep breaths. With each breath imagine breathing in new possibilities and breathing out fear. Use your breath to feel bigger, stronger, and more eager to experience ecstasy.
Write yourself a permission slip. Give yourself written permission to have the kind of sex you want, or the great relationship, or the new job. Be very detailed. Give yourself permission to have every juicy bit of your desire. If you find it challenging to give your self this much permission, imagine being given that permission by someone you love and respect, or by your wise higher self.
Cultivate the qualities of an ecstatic explorer. People who are able to find their Something More on a regular basis are compassionate, courageous, creative, curious, desiring, enthusiastic, flexible, honest, loving, mindful, passionate, persistent, playful, respectful, funny, and sensuous. Embrace these qualities in yourself and look for them in others. You’ll be well on your way to finding your Something More and living a more ecstatic life.